Silent tears

Crying And Alone

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Bare with me, this may even be rushed in parts because I am a little emotional….

Ever wanted to cry there and then but managed to hold in, not always intentionally but your body becomes like a zombie and you just don’t know how your suppose to take things. Well I shall start from the beginning and explain the best I can where I’m coming from.

As I have mentioned before, my fiance and I have been trying for a baby since september last year, bare in mind, John was born through ivf. Now going back to before I had John, they had done operations on me countlest tests and it came back I had polycystic ovaries (which I was already aware of) and my left tube was blocked, plus by this point I hadn’t had a period in two years. The strange thind is they never told me I could never conceive they said it was possible but they would consider I go for ivf, however I would need tablets to help me have my period as in order to start the process of ivf this is needed. I am so thankful that I had joined a site called fertility friends because when I got my date to go in just to get my tablets to start my periods miraculously after 2 years I had a period on my own wiht no help and it was them girls on fertility friends who persuaded me to call the hospital and tell them rather than wait for them as this would get me started on the ivf treatment right away and this is exactly what I done. I had many hurdles in my pregnancy such as bleeding, really bad sickness, syphysis pubis dysfunction and despite many tests to check for pre-eclampsia and it all came back saying I hadn’t, I did not find out till after the birth in which both me and my son almost died, that I infact did have pre-eclampsia. Yes, I still so much want another baby, this may put some people off but not me. So after having my son for the first time in years I had periods regularly, I would have my period either the exact day I was due on or the day before or after not later or any earlier all for 6 months, then this stopped again. We had used protection due to advice from the hospital to prevent another pregnancy, now I so wish I hadn’t listened to that advice, as this may have been my chance to give John his brother or sister. There is no point me wishing this now, after all if I had another child within that time, John may not be the person he is today. Anyway once september Tom and I talked about trying for another baby with not having periods again or irregular periods and we agreed it was worth it just incase. I went to doctors over and over again before they finally referred me after not having a period in 6 months.

It’s strange because for years I have always known my chances of conceiving naturally were slim and when I got my hospital appointment, I was excited and scared all at the same time but as much as I had said to Tom before we went into the hospital appointment yesterday was that I didn’t want them to say I could never conceive naturally or that my chances of conceiving naturally were basically zero. I was prepared for it but in truth I think deep down I must have had some sort of hope. I can’t remember much of what the doctor told me because once I asked ‘Is there a chance I will ever conceive naturally’ his face said it all really, he started of by saying something like ‘we can never say never as it has happened but in your case…….’ with his words I felt like I could be sick like I had been punched in my stomach, just wishing that my reason for this was that a baby was kicking inside. Even when I went for my scan before this I prayed there was a baby there by some miracle. I wanted to cry so much, yet for some reason, the tears wouldn’t come. Which I found so strange as lately all I have done is cry and get so emotional over the slightest thing and yet the time I needed to have a good cry I didn’t. Even last night when Tom had came upstairs to use the phone, I tried to force it out but nothing, not much.

Today I woke at 6.30am and asked Tom for a cuddle, I didn’t even want to get out of bed when Tom had come back from taking John to the nursery to go to work but I forced myself. I just felt like a zombie or more like a ghost as if I wasn’t really here, I could barely focus on my job today at all and couldn’t wait for it to be over. Tom was working too but he is doing a night, I came home and ironed and folded clothes and then when I finished I sat down to relax for a bit before going to pick John up from nursery and out of nowhere the tears came and I cried and cried.

Some people may call me selfish for wanting another baby again after having one miracle through ivf and maybe I am but if he is all I can have then so be it but I’m not going to stop trying in the next 2 years I aim to have ivf again and hopefully succeed again and leave it at that with 2 children. I’m not asking for much I just never ever wanted to have an only child. I have siblings, Tom has siblings and I believe children need that. I mean if something were to happen to me or tom or both of us, a sibling will understand exactly what the other was going through. So I am not just doing this out of selfishness or for just me or Tom I am doing it for our son. My dream was to always have 4 children, I know this is an impossible dream now but I can at least try and make half of that dream come true and have two beautiful children, who I will love with all of my heart.

I know if John is to be my only child I shall love and cherish him but I may even adopt as it is something I have always believed in but after having my own children and I at least know that option is there.

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2 Comments »

  1. I don’t think you a being selfish at all, if you want two children then you should be able to at least try to realise your dream, even if at the end of it youbare nsuccessful – which hopefully you won’t be. Your previous pregnancy, bur and the actual getting pregnant part sounds awful and the fact you still want another baby is testament to you and your courage and determination. You have to go for it and I hope you get all the support you need and it works out for you I will watch thisspace for updates 🙂 xx

    • Awww thanks hun totally appreciate it, it’s a long and hard process and very daunting but the end result is worth everything… We have more tests to do and find out in feb our results but Tom does not want to start the ivf then as we have our wedding to pay for, we do have the money for it as we knew this could happen but toms wants us to marry and go through and brig the baby into our marriage which means if we don’t do it from next year we will from the beginning of 2013. I on the other hand want to start next year but I ca see and understand all of toms points to as to why it’s best to wait xxxx

      Sent from my iPhone


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