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4 years and changes


It’s been 4 years since I last posted and my life has been chaos, tantrums, messiness, nappy changes, potty training, anything a baby and toddler do I have gone through it double the last 4 years along with one older child. John is now 8, the twins are now 4 and in school full time. I was so lost when I took them to there first day at school or even week because I think I knew this was the last time I would be going through all this the baby stages and so on. I never felt it when I took John his first time but this time it really hit me and I was looking constantly at my phone, checking on the time. When it came I would rush to be here and was often early. Well 5 months later I arrive either just as the doors are opening or other parents are wandering out. I guess I got used to it but they are still my babies.

Jayden has learning delays and speech delays but overall he is smart little kid, he is the first to figure out how to get in or out of things that even his older brother may not know ‘Houdini reincarnated’ we call him because it’s what he does best, he is great at breaking and fixing things, much to everyone’s amusement and he gives everyone such a laugh. He is one very happy little boy, who is always smiling and most importantly always upto something. He is a true boy who lives for being dirty and messy, digging in mud for worms, jumping in puddles and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. Jayden has just joined taekwondo with his brother, hoping this will help with his balance, co-ordination and concentration.

Lexi is truly a girly girl, who is confident to be herself and she just shines. She loves to tell stories, loves to draw, something I can see her becoming very good at, if she keeps it up. She also loves to dance and sing, often sings herself to sleep at night. Unlike Jayden it John hates being outdoors or anything dirty and would rather sit in drawing or watching tv. Lexi does dance and has done since she was 18months.

John is wise beyond his years, he is bright, smart, clever but also very anxious and worried about getting things wrong. He lacks confidence unlike his brother and sister, he often needs reassurance from us that he is ok, that his work is great. Like Jayden he loves mess although not as much, he loves the outdoors, giving the choice he would be out all day and you would never see him. He lives for his friends and being outside, he is extremely close to his brother and will do just about anything for him. He loves Lexi too and has his moments but they often fight, which is draining for me as a mother. John is in taekwondo and has been since he was 4 years old he is going for his next belt soon he is currently green and has entered quite a few comps.


From 1 child to 3 and changes

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Ok so much has happened, getting married, working to going on maternity leave and looking after a 3 year old and now gone from a mum to one child to a mum of 3 as now I am off on maternity leave I have had twins a beautiful son named Jayden James and a daughter Lexi Rose, I expected to find it hard I didn’t find it hard as such to looking after twins as lucky for my my babies have slept good since they were born. It was my son I was truly most concerned about as through my pregnancy the bigger I got the more my son seemed to decide to play up more and more and it seemed he has gone from this angel to a devil overnight. He knew things were changing and I think it scared him that I was terrified how he would react when the babies were finally here.

I shouldn’t have worried my dad and stepmum took him whilst I was in hospital for my c-sec and the days after and when they finally brought him to the hospital it wasn’t me he rushed to see it was his baby brother who was with me I had to take him to his baby sister in special care and he didn’t want to leave her, he adored her and didn’t like thT she was not with her brother or any of us. He is so protective of his brother and sister and is so good with them and he helps me as much as he can even now when they are 5 months old in 2 days. He has truly grown up a lot probably a lot more than he needs to.

Although he helps out a lot he has had a lot of changes to deal with his Dad and I got married in early pregnancy just after his 3rd birthday, we then had the twins I had prepared him for there arrival, I made sure he was aware of my stomach and what was happening but I never pushed the subject and when people talked about the babies I always tried to include him as this upset him if he wasn’t inuded and I always let him broach the subject rather than being too pushy but now and then gently reminding him of them that they were there for example if he was too rough around me.

We then had the twins 6/6/13 and we moved just after he finished nursery, he has never had a day off nursery not even a 6 week holiday and he struggled with all this on top of getting a new house and then starting a new school which he loves thankfully he is confused that he only does a very short day something he is not used to.

In al this chaos he has not shown any hatred or anger towards the twins just love and adoration for them.

However for his Dad and I it’s been a completely different story and he has decided to start answering back, not listen to a word we say and pulling tantrums. We have started a star chart which works a lot of the time but he seems to be getting bored of this, he is not a naughty kid bed is very bright for his age that all this change in him seems quite upsetting for his dad and I because he won’t tell me what’s bothering him or what’s going through his mind and I guess all the changes have gotten to him far more than I expected it to.

To be fair, with people saying things such as ‘Oh, he will be fine, kids are resilient and deal with things far quicker than us’ I expected a week maybe 2 weeks of him acting out but he is still doing it to this day that it has at times had me really upset and drained and he seems to constantly be on the naughty step.

This has become physically and emotionaly draining, yet I know he loves me he is full of it when he is good lots of hugs and kisses and his dad is not allowed anywhere near me as according to him I am his girl and his girl alone. I have seen kids act ten times worse than my son and I am truly hoping this is a phase but even I’m still trying to get used to the fact I’m no longer a mum to 1 child but a mum to 3 I guess I can’t expect him to be used to not getting the attention 24/7 as much anymore.

He is only 3 and I am truly hoping I am not the only mum dealing with this as I can honestly say before this he was never like this and we have come to the conclusion that he never had his terrible two’s not properly and instead he is doing it all at 3.

I had no intention of sharing this originally as I don’t want people seeing my son as a horror a child who never does as his told as he is he is an angel just a child dealing with so many changes and unable to deal with his emotions and talk them through with us.

He is 4 in four weeks will he change over night then too? I can only wonder and let this phase wear itself out, I only hope.

I’m a proud mum not to one but to 3 beautiful children and one doing the very best I can

Thanks for reading

Labour (over thinking things)

I have so many concerns, I’m not necessarily worrying about labour itself but I almost died in my last labour and this time I’m pregnant with twins. I still want a natural birth but people not exactly doctors or midwives but family are persuading me to have a Caesarian, something I really don’t want unless it needs to be done in an emergency. I am scared that something could go wrong but I’m more scared of needing an epidural, as a family member was paralysed after having it on one side but because it was put in the wrong place. I also hate the thought of having a needle stuck in the back at bottom of spine or wherever it is they put it. So I would rather have a natural birth if its possible than anything else.

I may be over thinking things but I feel I need to, in order to prepare myself for the worst case scenario but at the same time I find myself worrying and possibly even scaring myself. I have even imagined my husband and my son going on with life without me and never having even met my twins. This terrifies me more than anything else, like I said I can handle labour but I think its my thoughts and worries I can’t handle as they seem to be taking over my everyday life at this moment in time. Something I don’t feel I can talk to people about as I really don’t feel they would understand and that they would feel I was stupid and being pathetic even worrying over something that may or may not even happen.

Anyone else have dark and worryif thoughts like this, please do tell!

IVF update and Onwards

DSC_0086DSC_0077DSC_0137DSC_0171DSC_0189DSC_0189DSC_0256DSC_0344DSC_0370DSC_0453DSC_0465I haven’t written in over a year but I have had ivf which started in October 2012, well good news it was a successsm now carrying twins. I found out as of yesterday they are both a boy and a girl. John who is now 3 hasn’t wanted brothers, as according to him he is the only mummies boy but he took to finding it all out quite well. We took him to our scan to help prepare him for the babies, we havent pushed it on him and have let him talk about it when he is ready so as not to upset him too much but now and then dropped little reminders.

I also got married in Dec, thankfully my dress still went on over my bump lol. I am excited as I have so much happening and feel my family is going to be complete. I couldnt thank the staff at hewitt centre enough, they have done an amazing job helping us become parents once again. We are thankful in being able to have John and now we have twins on the way. It is terrifying as my last pregnancy and labour was not easy but I am excited. I am on aspirin to try to prevent pre-eclampsia again and I have also got spd again but its all worth it. My main fear is needing a c-section, that is unbearable for me the thought. I am terrified of having an epidural as a cousin of mine is paralysed down one whole side due to this.

Over all so much shopping to do, yet I have saved lots of money by having a good luck around and not jumping at whatever I see and I’m very proud of how much we are saving and will have some of our saved up money left to spend on clothes and some extras.

I am one proud mummy to one gorgeous boy and a proud mummy to be!

My first 2 pics are before I knew I was carrying twins at 7 weeks, I found out few days later. Myy first scan is 7 weeks and my second 12 weeks the next bump photo’s are of my bump at 18 weeks and my last picture is my 20 week scan of my gorgeous twins to be taken yesterday, when I found out I was going to become a mum to a girl and boy.

Will add some pics of my wedding too

bump at 7 weeks

bump again at 7 weeks

my first scan and twins

12 week scan of twins

18 weeks

18 weeks again

my 18 week bump covered

20 week scan boy and girl twins

New year and my ivf journey starts

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Well this year has a lot in store for me, I must diet as I want to make sure my bmi is right for me to start ivf. Yes this year will be my second journey of possibly having ivf. I am really praying and hoping that since I have been on my period for 3 weeks suffering severe pains and more my symptoms are pointing towards endometriosis, I’d this turns out to be the case it could put a hold on the whole ivf journey. So I am praying it won’t as either way it’s best I start sooner rather than later when it could possibly have worsened.

I also have a wedding to plan, lots of preparations to do. I am hoping this is a positive year for us and that we could possibly give John a miracle baby brother or sister just like he was and even though he is only a toddler, I tell him everyday how special he is what a miracle he is and how much he was wanted and I hope I can do the same for another baby a year down the line. They may not understand being so young but as soon as they are old enough I will explain things more fully, the one good thing about ivf my kids could never say to me as teenagers that they were never wanted because I would not have gone through hell to have them. John will know this and so will his new bro or sis when they get here.

This journey for me will start in february when we get the last results from the hospital to determine if ivf is still our best chance.

I have spoken to Tom and we have decided to stick at 2 kids as we couldn’t keep having ivf so I am hoping it works but we have also decided with all my health problems causing me to need ivf etc we have decided I may have to have a hysterectomy. I don’t want this but we are prepared for this to happen sometime in the future and that’s ok as long as I can at least have one more child.

I am wishing you all the best for 2012.

Silent tears

Crying And Alone

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Crying And Alone PicturesPictures

Bare with me, this may even be rushed in parts because I am a little emotional….

Ever wanted to cry there and then but managed to hold in, not always intentionally but your body becomes like a zombie and you just don’t know how your suppose to take things. Well I shall start from the beginning and explain the best I can where I’m coming from.

As I have mentioned before, my fiance and I have been trying for a baby since september last year, bare in mind, John was born through ivf. Now going back to before I had John, they had done operations on me countlest tests and it came back I had polycystic ovaries (which I was already aware of) and my left tube was blocked, plus by this point I hadn’t had a period in two years. The strange thind is they never told me I could never conceive they said it was possible but they would consider I go for ivf, however I would need tablets to help me have my period as in order to start the process of ivf this is needed. I am so thankful that I had joined a site called fertility friends because when I got my date to go in just to get my tablets to start my periods miraculously after 2 years I had a period on my own wiht no help and it was them girls on fertility friends who persuaded me to call the hospital and tell them rather than wait for them as this would get me started on the ivf treatment right away and this is exactly what I done. I had many hurdles in my pregnancy such as bleeding, really bad sickness, syphysis pubis dysfunction and despite many tests to check for pre-eclampsia and it all came back saying I hadn’t, I did not find out till after the birth in which both me and my son almost died, that I infact did have pre-eclampsia. Yes, I still so much want another baby, this may put some people off but not me. So after having my son for the first time in years I had periods regularly, I would have my period either the exact day I was due on or the day before or after not later or any earlier all for 6 months, then this stopped again. We had used protection due to advice from the hospital to prevent another pregnancy, now I so wish I hadn’t listened to that advice, as this may have been my chance to give John his brother or sister. There is no point me wishing this now, after all if I had another child within that time, John may not be the person he is today. Anyway once september Tom and I talked about trying for another baby with not having periods again or irregular periods and we agreed it was worth it just incase. I went to doctors over and over again before they finally referred me after not having a period in 6 months.

It’s strange because for years I have always known my chances of conceiving naturally were slim and when I got my hospital appointment, I was excited and scared all at the same time but as much as I had said to Tom before we went into the hospital appointment yesterday was that I didn’t want them to say I could never conceive naturally or that my chances of conceiving naturally were basically zero. I was prepared for it but in truth I think deep down I must have had some sort of hope. I can’t remember much of what the doctor told me because once I asked ‘Is there a chance I will ever conceive naturally’ his face said it all really, he started of by saying something like ‘we can never say never as it has happened but in your case…….’ with his words I felt like I could be sick like I had been punched in my stomach, just wishing that my reason for this was that a baby was kicking inside. Even when I went for my scan before this I prayed there was a baby there by some miracle. I wanted to cry so much, yet for some reason, the tears wouldn’t come. Which I found so strange as lately all I have done is cry and get so emotional over the slightest thing and yet the time I needed to have a good cry I didn’t. Even last night when Tom had came upstairs to use the phone, I tried to force it out but nothing, not much.

Today I woke at 6.30am and asked Tom for a cuddle, I didn’t even want to get out of bed when Tom had come back from taking John to the nursery to go to work but I forced myself. I just felt like a zombie or more like a ghost as if I wasn’t really here, I could barely focus on my job today at all and couldn’t wait for it to be over. Tom was working too but he is doing a night, I came home and ironed and folded clothes and then when I finished I sat down to relax for a bit before going to pick John up from nursery and out of nowhere the tears came and I cried and cried.

Some people may call me selfish for wanting another baby again after having one miracle through ivf and maybe I am but if he is all I can have then so be it but I’m not going to stop trying in the next 2 years I aim to have ivf again and hopefully succeed again and leave it at that with 2 children. I’m not asking for much I just never ever wanted to have an only child. I have siblings, Tom has siblings and I believe children need that. I mean if something were to happen to me or tom or both of us, a sibling will understand exactly what the other was going through. So I am not just doing this out of selfishness or for just me or Tom I am doing it for our son. My dream was to always have 4 children, I know this is an impossible dream now but I can at least try and make half of that dream come true and have two beautiful children, who I will love with all of my heart.

I know if John is to be my only child I shall love and cherish him but I may even adopt as it is something I have always believed in but after having my own children and I at least know that option is there.

Being judged as a mum!!!!

Ever get the feeling that your being judged by other people, not just as a mother as worker, as a sister, as a duaghter, as a partner?

I do all the time and it doesn’t help when I hear my own family bitching about another member of the family, I am always on edge that I am being judged as a mother even by them, wether or not am a good trusted family member. I am one of those people who try to please and far too often end up being the one who can get hurt.

I find the worst judgement I feel I will ever get is being a mum I want to be the best that I can be. I feel not only do i get judged by outsiders but by family and friends too and the biggest one being my nan and boy does she show it. I had people telling me how and when John should be put on solid food, people in my family which is the worst because I felt pressurised, I was being told to start him at 3 weeks old which was ridiculous and my nan making me feel guilty for being on anti-biotics saying its why he was sleeping so often so I should stop them and just breastfeed him. I did stop them it didn’t stop him sleeping I knew it wouldn’t but wanted to prove a point he was a new born baby for goodness sake but due to stopping them the infection in my womb worsened and I was losing too much blood which meant I had to stop breastfeeding and be put on three different doses of strong antibiotics, all after 2 weeks. I was upset felt like I had failed as a mother before I had even truly begun. I cried a lot and felt angry, I just wanted to enjoy my baby boy after my traumatic birth but I couldn’t and I will never forgive her for this. There is a lot more to this and most of my post here will explain this. I don’t know why I let her treat me the way she does. I didn’t listen to anyone about the solid foods, I decided he would give me the indication he was ready and I believe he did as I started him halfway through his 4th month giving him rice once a day and introduced others at 6months. I also had my nan telling me I should potty train him at 12months which was ridiculous, I mean ok I potty trained him at 22months on my own terms and still she put me down for this saying I was doing it wrong and that he Gould be standing up. He is a learning child and the last thing I want to do is confuse him. This woman makes me feel so bad at times, yet I do my best to please her and I never argue with her.

As a mother I feel like people are judging me all the time and feel like their is competition out there,we shouldn’t feel like this but the worst ever judgement is from family especially when they make it known. It makes me so angry, yes, I know
I should say something to her but I love her even though she treats me like dirt, yet she is making me hate her so much all at the same time. I don’t want to fall out with her but I do feel this is going to happen eventually.

I am very thankful for my fiancĂ©, he has been my rock, he supports me and always says how good I am and he too is angry for the way she treats me but he also won’t say anything as he knows she can be nasty and say things to me when she has me on my own. We are both looking to move house but not just to get away from the area, the big reason and main reason over all was to get away from her, especially since she only lives over the road.

My nan also undermines me at every turn she will ask, in fact, no tell me to bring John over to show off to friends,so I will and usually it’s around 4, bare in mind his tea time is 5 and she feeds him on maltesers, biscuits crisps what ever it is he wants she gives despite me saying ‘no’ and the cooked food goes to waste. I have now started making excuses but really I should tell her a firm ‘No’ why am I so scared. I just don’t know. Her excuse and stupid excuse that is, she doesn’t want him to think she won’t give him anything. Is it just me is is that ridiculous?

There is more to it but I will leave it at that for now. Are there other parents, mums or dads out there who too feel they are judged, not just by outsiders, by friends or even family?

Potty training (week 2 over)

Bare with me, I am doing this on my iPhone, so there are bound to be far more mistakes than when I use a laptop.

Well as I explained on my potty training week 1 blog post was that I didn’t take him out of nappies completely just when he was home he went around with nothing on his bottom to get him used to the potty. Then the weekend introduced him to undies and pants and I have also been allowing him to pick which undies he wears out igglepiggle, Thomas the tank or mickey mouse and I have even started saying ‘Now u must wee on poor mickey mouse you must let mummy know when u need a wee wee or a poo poo’ he had at least one accident a day however this weekend he has had no accidents and is even letting me know when he needs a poo. He can pull his pants down he just takes his time and struggles a little so needs a little help, as this is the only reason he had a slight pooing accident today but otherwise I am one very very proud mummy. My job now mostly is to keep encouraging him and praising him but to also now teach him how to pull his pants down properly and pull his pants back up. I also need to encourage him now to say when e needs a poo, rather than point e still does this with weeing but as of today he has actually started saying mummy wee wee. My advice to any parent going through this especially for the first time, be patient, be calm and don’t shout ignore the accidents to some extent I found mostly though it I was clear rather than shout and got to their level and explained firmly that he mustn’t wee on the floor he must use the potty and also point whilst saying this to the spots your talking about I noticed he followed with his eyes and e does listen. I have to admit it is easy to get angry and annoyed when your child has an accident but it’s all part of learning but I can honestly say I don’t know how I did it when I was tempted but I never shouted once at him. I find it hard to praise myself but I have to say I was totally nervous and unsure about how to go about it was even tempted to get books on it but instead I did it and started it mostly on my own and I think I have done a brilliant job.

I don’t expect him to never have accidents from now on because again as I have said before he is still learning and so am I x

Potty training (week 2)

this is the potty he uses I bought from tjs he loves mickey mouse

So Monday has come and gone and began the second week of potty training is in full swing, as I mentioned in my last blog post he seemed to be avoiding do a poo on the potty. So yesterday when I caught John coming in from the kitchen with a towel he had gotten from the dirty washing to cover something, I decided to see what he was upto and the poor little thing was covering the poo on the floor with the towel, so I just said a firm ‘No, you must use potty’ and put him on the potty and he finished off and once he stood up and looked in the potty, his mouth and eyes were open wide with suprise he then said ‘WOW’ and clapped. Now I am just hoping this is a good sign and that he feels he can now go to the potty and poo as well as wee, he feels he can now poo too.

John has now gone to nursery and it’s his first day there with them continuing the potty training whilst he is there and I am actually extremely nervous. I’m more concerned still that it is too soon and early but he has done amazingly well, so perhaps I am doing right in doing it now as he has shown so much signs of being ready for this. Yet I feel so nervous, so excited at the same time and realising that my son is growing up far too fast. In the mean time, I’m off work, so am going to enjoy some peace and quiet and I am going to leave housework today and catch up on the vampire diaries so I can watch the third series.

Wish me luck with this on going potty training, I think I need it, totally!!!!

Potty Training (week one over)

Firstly the potty training was a last minute decision, although it has been a should I/shouldn’t I decision for a while it just sort of happened. You see Tom was adamant and determined we should leave it till he is 2 and his communicating is far better to the point he is saying far more sentences etc…. Where as I on the other hand who is with him mostly due to Tom working full time and I only work part time was considering it more, mostly because of him ripping his nappies off a lot especially last month and he had started to ask to use the potty, not so much in words just pointing at the potty. Although I could understand where Tom was coming from, it was costing us money, you see every month we buy 2 boxes of nappies and we usually have some left over into the next month but last month we had to buy a third box by the end of the month as he was ripping them off too often. I did allow him to use the potty when he asked, another reason we were reluctant to start was his nursery prefer to only start potty training children over the age of 2. So I thought I should bring up my concerns with them, explain our situation and see where this would take me, it turns out he has also been asking to go in the nursery too and they are all for helping us into the potty training.

So I started myself as last week Tom left to go away with work for a week and I thought I should start the potty training, I decided I wouldn’t take the nappies off him completely, they would still go on if we went out but most of the week we were home I would leave him half naked to run around the house. He took to the potty straight away he had no accidents at all last week, when we did this, however he does not seem to be going for a poo, a little concerned about this. Friday I decided to introduce his undies, as I was working Friday and Tom was away Tom’s mum came to mine and watched him for me but before I went to work John done 2 wee’s and pulled his undies down himself on the potty, however due to probably holding onto his poo he developed diahrea but I still allowed him to use the potty but had a nappy on a little often this day. However this weekend I introduced his pants with his undies all day Saturday he had no accident as he was put on the potty every 15minutes, I wasn’t getting my hopes up too quick though as he still only learning and I am glad I didn’t as he did his first 2 accidents today once early afternoon and one near to the end of the day. My dad took him for a walk earlier but put a nappy on him as he didn’t seem to be doing a poo and he done one in his nappy after this I noticed little bits when he went to the potty, so am just hoping he now starts to feel he can do this in the potty too, so no more nappies for him, only for naps and night time. Oh and he has also started say wee wee, he has been able to say this for a while even potty but refused to say them when needed.

Wish us luck as we go into our second week starting from tomorrow and his daddy will be back to help.

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